The Milky Chai Life

When Close Friends Leave Facebook

2012-01-06T17:29:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had friends that you communicated with often leave Facebook? Well, I did recently and it has actually been a painful experience. LOL! Yes, I am serious. It still hurts. I had NO IDEA that I relied so much on communication with my friends who live 15 minutes away from me, through FACEBOOK!

They are both a husband and wife Desi/White American team just like us. There are only a couple of families in this small town we have this familial dynamic connection with and have been very, very close friends with this couple and their beautiful babies.

Now, let me explain to you why this is so painful for me. I work full-time, am essentially raising my 5 year old and my 9 month old ALONE, while my husband works out of state. I wake up at 5am to prepare breakfast/lunches, iron, pack daycare diaper bags, dishes, laundry (you name it) and I usually finally crash at night around 11:30pm after I've cooked dinner, fed/bathed/put the children to bed, laundry dishes (you name it). I am now at a point in my life where I have NO TIME to properly visit my friends and even talk to them on the phone. It is a sad plight. BUT, I do get to check FB on my iPad in the wee hours when I wouldn't dare call and wake up other peoples babies, or when I am on lunch break at work, or right after work, like when I'm squeezing in writing this post as we speak. I literally have 7 minutes and then I have to jet out and pick up A.

That being said, I wish my friends would not leave my easiest communication portal with them where I can see their/their children's accomplishments and recent photos. I hope I get a normal life soon where we have time to have dinner dates with our friends again and their babies before they are grown and flying off to college. I know they felt exhausted trying to update their profiles constantly with goings on but honestly, I haven't even posted a pic in 2 months and I update possibly once a month.

Please life, slow down for me a bit. I wish we lived in a world where we had more time to just LIVE.

Family Business Ties

2012-01-06T17:16:00.000-05:00

My darling hubby (DH) has now been working for his father for four and a half months while I've been living a state away, raising our babies, alone. It hasn't been easy. Not.In.The.Least. But I am amazed at my strength. At this point, I am actually less concerned about myself and my abilities to raise our children alone than I am about the well being of my DH and our 5 year old. A.

Working for his father is quite literally going to kill my DH. This man, whom I refer to in my blog as PAFIL (Passive Agressive Father-In-Law), shorted my husband by half on his first months paycheck (and didn't even pay him the first two weeks like he was supposed to), is now requiring he work 12 hour days while PIMIL (Psychotic Mother-In-Law) and PAFIL go home, threaten him with his job on a near-weekly basis and by the way they treat him (as if he were the red-headed step-child) is all probably going to completely break his spirit and the man will wind up tying a rope around his neck and jumping off the roof.

PIMIL and PAFIL together make nearly half a mil a year and yet are practically counting the mustard seeds it takes to share their home prepared Indian meals with DH. My DH works 7am to 7pm and drags himself back to their home starving, and they are whining about having to feed him. Unbelievable.

Immediately after Christmas with my family, we traveled to PIMIL and PAFIL's home to visit and look for houses in the area together. PAFIL agreed a week prior to my arrival that DH could take 1.5 days off for our realtor appointments. Then, halfway through the day, PAFIL calls DH asking when he's returning to the office to take care of the something trivial, absolutely nonessential. DH reminded poor demented PAFIL that we were house hunting (of course he already knew that!) and PAFIL tells him "Well, that's fine when you come back next week buddy you'd better be serious or you're OUTTA HERE!". DH's face just went grey. Can you imagine having to put up with that BS all the time? I would say it will be a miracle if DH survives working with his father long enough take over his dad business.

Incidentally, we found a couple of houses that we really liked, but DH is dragging his feet putting an offer down and I think he just isn't ready to commit to staying there very long. As with everything involving DH, it requires a very.long.wait.

So, I'll just wait.

Our 5 year old A. has been having ongoing tummy troubles for almost six months now. I didn't think much about it as I assumed it was anxiety with all the changes in Daddy leaving the state, starting kindergarten and having a new sister. A. is now eating almost nothing, waking up for hours during the night complaining of her tummy hurting, running to the bathroom every time she does actually eat something, and actually weighing less than she did 4 months ago. I decided to take her to the Pediatrician's the week before Christmas and they have initiated some blood tests and stool samples to see if they can find a cause to her pain. So far, I've still not heard anything back and am told her file is on the Dr.'s desk waiting for his review. In the meantime, I look at older pictures of my vivacious little girl who used to giggle and smile and be a social butterfly. Now, I see a gauntly, dark-eyed little girl who rarely ever smiles, is now a withdrawn loner and in pain on a daily basis. I feel like I am failing as a parent.

Engish Converted Film Titles

2011-11-23T11:27:00.001-05:00

Has anyone else seen this?

I was shopping around on Amazon today for a "Despicable Me" dvd for my daughter and the "Wish List" cart intrigued me. So, I thought I would shop around the site, add some things to my "Wish List" and see if I could find some Bollywood films. Indeed I did!

I had NO IDEA they sold Bollywood films on AMAZON! And for very inexpensive prices, too. However, I got really confused when I started seeing titles like the one shown above. Most of us know this film as "Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam". Pretty weird to see it for sale with the English title instead of the Hindi title. It seems the English title is twice the price.

I almost feel as though this title has been violated, LOL. Perhaps putting the English translation in parenthesis next to the original Hindi title would have a been a better option. Anyhow, now I where to shop for dvds! - Much easier than having them sent from India -

"Did You Adopt Your Children?"

2011-11-22T15:27:00.001-05:00

Oh, I just HAD to share this. Especially to my readers who are in an intercultural relationship with children.

This past weekend we had lunch with my parents at a local pizza joint and the mother of one of my dear high school friends spots us across the restaurant and comes over to say hello. I haven't seen her in at least 10 years and she is a sweet lady, so I was most happy to meet her again and to introduce my young family to her. She couldn't get over my girls, often commenting on how beautiful she thought they were. Then she says, "Did you adopt your children?".

I had to chuckle, and honestly, I wasn't offended. I come from a very small town that reminds me of "Little House On The Prairie". Ok, it wasn't that rustic, but definitely a sweet, innocent little community of people and I can't think of one person that I knew there that married outside of their race. Funny thing is, this lady and her children have the same coloring as my girls since they have very close American Indian heritage.

I politely informed her that my husband is Indian (he could not join us for lunch so she didn't see him). Now everything seemed to make sense to her. Then she says, "well, whatever he is, you two make beautiful babies!".

LOL.

Sometimes people can be quite direct. Anyhow, we forgive them for their curiosity and directness, as if it matters what my husband looks like or something. No, my girls do not have blonde hair but you sure can tell we are related! On the same note, I do know of people of the same family dynamic as mine who DO have blonde/light haired children. It's just amazing how the genes fall.

Separation Pains

2011-11-10T15:02:00.001-05:00

Those of you who are in an intercultural relationship know that maintaining the relationship and balancing the family dynamics is never easy. Even in the best situations with partners who have everything in common and fully supportive families, it is still difficult to maintain peace at times. In addition, men and women communicate so differently, resulting in occasional problems.

The saying goes, "distance makes the heart grow fonder". For me, when DH left to work out-of-state with his father, my heart yearned for him all the time. I have really missed my partner, my best friend, my buddy, my lover and my confidant. Raising two children by myself has been no easy feat, to say the least. I have really surprised myself at my strength during these difficult times, and I am so proud of myself that I can muster up this strength from somewhere deep within to be the mother I should be to my girls. They deserve as much. They deserve the best, really. I work full-time and when I leave work each day I always put my wants/needs aside to devote myself 100% to my girls. I often go to sleep at around midnight and wake at 5am so that I can do laundry, dishes, pack lunches and spend a few quality moments with my girls before we go our separate ways for the day.

I do this because my parents divorced when I was 2 years of age. I was passed back and forth for many years between two adults who primarily put themselves and their personal lives first. At the age of 7, I was moved to my father and stepmother's home as my mother was still unmarried and having difficulty making ends meet (at least that was the excuse). Meanwhile, my mother air traveled to big cities to visit her military boyfriend and went out with her friends all the time leaving me with babysitters. It was pretty clear early on that I was not a priority. My father on the other hand, cared mostly about money and his businesses and when he would come home from work he was often verbally and physically abusive to me and my stepmother. As a result, my stepmother left him as well. I really don't blame her.

Through my adolescent years, my mother lived 10 minutes away from my father's house and yet I rarely ever saw her. She always had many excuses and still does as to why she never visits. My father would come home no earlier than 9pm on every given school night, leaving me with Spaghetti-O's to heat for dinner and my own homework to attend to. In addition, he expected me to be the housemaid, as if that is what all females were put on earth for? Even young children? Chores are important but an entire house? Unacceptable.

My grandparents were ashamed of them both for the parents they became and spent many, many quality hours insuring their love for me. I ate healthy, home cooked meals at their home and I felt loved while visiting them.

They say you typically parent the way you were parented. Well, I have chosen to break that cycle. This type of family is now becoming a blight on American society and I've been determined to NOT be the mother to my girls that my mother was to me. This I would admit is probably a large factor in why I was attracted to DH in the first place. I think many of us American girls long for the dedication to family that is well known in the Indian community (with the exception of PIMIL and PAFIL :-)

With that all being said, I would like to here mention how my DH has changed since living with PIMIL and PAFIL. He has morphed into his parents. In a nutshell. He has lost the ability to think independently and is instead, feeling pressure to become just like them, to do what THEY tell him to do. Including, forcing his wife to change her mind and to bring the grandchildren to live in their town. I'm sure this is largely a result of his father "owning him" (his own words) as his father is now providing his well-paid job and the roof over his head.

As a result, DH is now coming home to us on the weekends in a bad frame of mind, angry, and yelling at A. and I over stupid, silly things. The DH I once knew is now gone, in 2.5 months. He abusively yelled and scolded A. for accidentally spilling a small amount of mango raas on the table at the recent Diwali function, in front of all her friends and Auntie's and Uncle's. He really made himself look like an ass. I asked him in a very low, meek voice, to please tone it down, her friends were all around, after all. This just typically makes him angrier. He yells at me all weekend over the dumbest things. Things that aren't even important, like throwing away a rotten apple and why did I let it go bad. In all honestly, DH has always had some issues with certain things like wasted food or spillages. Perhaps Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? At least, that is what I've always attributed it to. I really don't know, but whatever it is, it is making weekends with DH completely unbearable. So much so, that I've asked him to please not come home to us if he is going to be nasty and abusive. That is a painful request to make, but the girls and I need peace and serenity more than ever right now.

I sure hope this is just a manifestation of stress and not the REAL DH surfacing. I pray the Universe keeps me wise and discerning through these tough times.

Yours Truly,
Milky Chai

"It's OK", says PIMIL

2011-11-02T17:14:00.001-04:00

First, I apologize for neglecting my blog lately, but please understand that it is for good reason: taking care of my precious children, by myself.

After almost seven and a half years of friendship, dating, marrying and having children with DH, I was finally invited to PIMIL and PAFIL's home. If you've been following our story, you know what hell PIMIL has put us through. Can you imagine all that anger and abusiveness towards us all coming to an abrupt end? Well, that is what has happened. At least for now.

When I arrived at their home with my two girls after a four hour drive that should have been three because of lots of bathroom and diaper changing stops, PIMIL greeted us at the front door with sindoor, rice and gor (raw sugar). PIMIL and PAFIL bounced the kids on their knees the whole weekend, fed us home cooked Indian food all weekend and when the girls and I were leaving, PIMIL gave me a beautiful pure 22k Indian necklace and earring set, the girls 22k earrings, silver anklets (payals) and gave A. some of her aunts lehenga's from when she was a little girl. We looked at old photos of the family and talked about cooking Indian food most of the time. PIMIL's English is still very broken, but we understood each other just fine.

I just wonder what you, my reader is thinking right now as you just read these previous two paragraphs. No, really, I am interested. Email me or comment.

Do you want to know what I am thinking?

1) Why all of the sudden are they being nice after being so cruel to us all these years.
2) Why all of the sudden do they love/acknowledge their grandchildren?
3) I don't know whether to be relieved that the torture is seemingly over or to be bitter over it.

The departure back home was very painful for A. as she clung to DH. PAFIL became emotional about it and the following week DH spoke to me about the girls and I moving in with them. As in all of us under the same roof.

A. has been having terrible adjustment/behavioral issues since DH left during the weekdays. I am actually getting ready to start counseling for her (and possibly for me). She just wants her Daddy and is so angry at me that we are not altogether. She is having friendship problems at school and often is a loner. She excels in math and science but is having trouble focusing and completing assignments in kindergarten class. She becomes very angry at me when she must wait for the baby's bath/diaper change/nursing to be finished before she can have/do what she wants. Sometimes to the point of being physically abusive to me. My heart is breaking for her and I just want to fix it. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel, pack the kids up and just go live with DH, PIMIL and PAFIL in their huge house (which couldn't possibly be big enough to avoid their craziness). Then, the other part of my reasoning brain feels that would probably be the end of our marriage if we lived with his parents. DH tells me this arrangement would only be for about 6 months, which really means a few years in DH terms. I think DH wants to save money to buy a house, which he can well afford now, and a nice one at that. I fear that the idea of building equity while living with his parents will override his reasoning ability to know that his family needs their own dwelling space. I know in India the sons family live with his parents, but I don't see that as much here in the U.S. and would be very awkward for me since Americans typically do not have this arrangement.

When I began this blog, I would have never thought events would turn as they have. I thought my story would dictate my tumultuous relationship with my PIMIL all the way through. Well, it could still end up being tumultuous, but the point is, I would have never thought I would feel any sort of kindness toward PIMIL. Despite being evil, she can actually be pretty nice when she wants to. She even sent some of my favorite Diwali snacks with DH this past weekend. Imagine, they weren't even laced with poison!

Yours Truly,
Milky Chai

I've been invited, after 7 years

2011-10-14T23:56:00.001-04:00

I have very little time tonight to write, so I apologize. I wanted to login and let you all know that I've been invited to PAFIL and PIMIL's house this weekend. II am probably crazy, but I am going. The girls and I are leaving early in the morning and will be staying at their house this weekend. I am very, very nervous.Wish me luck. I will log back in this weekend and keep you all posted. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Home to PAFIL and PIMIL

2011-08-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

Fortunately, my hubands joblessness is coming to end in a week. DH has decided that after countless resumes and interviews with no job offers, to go back home and work for his father, in another state, two hours away.

After much contemplation we've decided that the girls and I will stay here, while DH goes home and stays with his parents while working for his father Monday through Friday. and then come home to us on the weekends. There are many reasons for this decision and I hope this Plan A works out and if it does, this will be our arrangement for a year. After a year, we will all be reunited as a family again.

I'm going to be brave and try my best to be a single parent during the weekdays to two little girls who are going to dearly miss their Daddy. PAFIL has offered to pay DH a very high salary, higher than he would make anywhere else in the US, so he really couldn't refuse. I am hoping that this time with his parents, without me and the girls, will allow for a reconciliation with PIMIL (and PAFIL).

Although, I believe PAFIL was thinking that would mean we would all come. My prediction is that PAFIL will want the girls to be near them and will hound DH about it until he insists we all move there. We'll see how long it takes. DH is holding the girls extra tight these days. I hope we can all survive this next year. If not, on to Plan B (me and the girls joining DH). I'm not sure which is worse really. Looks like this blog is about to take a very interesting turn so stay tuned!

Layoffs and Budgets

2011-07-14T17:59:00.000-04:00

Hi all! Been a while since I've updated, sorry about that. It's been crazy busy with the new baby and a four year old who is competing for our attention.

Since the birth of our baby we've had a few unexpected challenges thrown our way. For starters, my husband was laid off from his job! Talk about bad timing. So, we've pulled our four year old out of preschool and now DH is Daddy Daycare at home with the two girls. Oh how I wish I could convey through words the sheer chaos that has ensued with my DH trying to balance bottles and diapers with dishes, laundry, and sending his resume to every engineering firm in the nation all at the same time! He is such a trooper though, and each week he is learning a little more about how to multi-task. I am so proud of my Indian man for tackling this job. As a result, the baby is becoming a huge daddy's girl.

Extreme times call for extreme measures and we are EXTREME COUPONING! Yes, I actually hate to admit it, but we are. Thanks to the TLC show "Extreme Couponing" and couponing blogs, we are figuring out how to seriously lower our grocery bill each month. We are obtaining about 4 Sunday newspapers each week and putting our coupons to good use. Last week, we came home with 4 free tubes of toothpaste, holistic baby teething gel and nursing pads all for free. That's right....FREE! We are averaging about 65% savings on our grocery bills. Honestly, I hate couponing but we will do what we have to just to provide and make ends meet. I keep telling myself this is temporary and we will be able to look back someday and laugh. We are now considering cloth diapers to cut down on cost. You would be amazed what you can cut out when you know you have to provide for little children!

Things Weiner guys do

2011-06-08T17:18:00.000-04:00

It's been all over the US news this week that Congressman Weiner has been sending sexually explicit Internet and phone exchanges with several women, you can read about it here. Notice the photo of his GORGEOUS wife, Huma Abedin at the top of this article. Huma is of Indian/Pakistani decent and is quite successful herself, being a top aide to Secretary of Sate Hillary Rodham Clinton. She has never missed a day of work, described as being like a second daughter to Hillary Clinton, was once romanced by George Clooney, and will be having her first anniversary this Friday to this Weiner guy. I know everyone else is saying it but WHAT A WEENER! This guy is crazy to have this amazing woman in his life and be doing these sleezy things behind her back. I guess for some men it is never enough. Reports state that she plans to stay by his side during this contraversy. I'm not promoting divorce here but....he doesn't deserve her.

She's here and she's wonderful!

2011-06-02T17:15:00.000-04:00

Our sweet little baby A finally arrived safely and we are ecstatic! She is a delightful little girl and we are enjoying every single minute with her.

Thankfully, my DH evaded PIMIL and PAFIL during the hospital stay so we didn't have to deal with the awkwardness of them being there. We were able to enjoy our little darling in peace. YAAAAY! A. (our 4 year old) is completely in love with her baby sister and often trying to mother our little baby. We think she is going to be a great big sister.

I asked DH if we could have a Namakarana for baby A. and so he then asked PAFIL who was ecstatic about the idea and was ready to plan, even though he knows nothing about how to plan it. I thought that was nice of him. Usually the initial reaction is the genuine one. However, PIMIL intervened and said they would have to invite the entire family, including those living abroad (about 300 people). Also, she informed my DH that instead of PAFIL "naming" the baby, which is usually the tradition, their community tradition called for the baby's aunt to perform the deed. My SIL just happened to be in Spain at the time doing rotations at a hospital. I thought that was pretty interesting. So, baby A. still has not had a Namakarana. But we knew that would probably happen anyway.

Then, we were out-of-the-blue invited to my SIL's graduation from Med School. I was sure this was just a friendly invite but PAFIL made reservations for us at a nice hotel so DH felt we should go since PAFIL insisted. So we did. Surprisingly, SIL was very nice to us all, unlike our previous encounter with her. PAFIL was sweet and kind as usual and PIMIL sat there like a pouting 2 year old, refusing to speak to me or DH. She did interact with A. but never even looked at baby A. (perhaps because Mommy was holding her most of the time?). The whole time we were there I couldn't help but think about how my DH is always treated like the red-headed step-child in his family. When DH graduated his family could care less. When SIL graduated from Med School, well she was important and we all must make a fuss over it. So my DH isn't a doctor, he's an engineer who will make half (or less) of what his sister will on a yearly basis, is somehow less important. Why do desi parents only love their children when they make THEM look good or when they are a huge financial asset to the family? Can they not just love their children for who they are? That is a bizarre concept to me being a parent myself. This subject is touched upon by one of my favorite bloggers. You can read what Desi Girl has to say about it here and here.

Then, KARMA made it's presence in front of EVERYONE. Yes, that little thing that always comes back to bite you! A. proclaimed at the dinner table that she needed to use the restroom so PAFIL asked PIMIL to please take her (perhaps he thought that might be a bonding moment?). On the way back to the table from the restroom, PIMIL slips and falls on the tile floor (she was wearing heels and it looked like she wasn't used to wearing them) and BROKE HER ARM! Oh my stars the woman actually BROKE HER ARM! And I mean a BAD break, too. Lot's of drama in that restaurant. PIMIL found that to be a great opportunity to receive attention. I'm sure it did hurt so I shouldn't be too hard on her I guess. She ended up having to undergo surgery on her wrist. As for me, even though this blog is often a gripe about PIMIL especially, I am truly a sweet girl and I do have human empathy. I truly felt bad for her. I was even kind to her and asked her if she was ok. All I could think about the whole time was how we always must be accountable for our actions and deeds. Perhaps I'm wrong in thinking that karma works that way, that karma might actually discipline her for her heinous crimes right there in front of me. In fact, I had to keep my conscience in check to make sure that I wasn't actually taking pleasure in the fact that karma might be biting her. Well, we'll just leave it at that.

One amazing surprise we received with the birth of baby A. is that she has the most beautiful BLUE eyes! I have blue eyes and blonde/brown hair and my husband is pretty light skinned so there must be some recessive blue-eye genes somewhere on his side. Instead of looking more like either me or my husband, she could really be A.'s twin (our 4 yr old). The only difference is in the eyes, A. has beautiful big brown eyes.

Baby A.

I have so many things to blog about, so more to come soon!

"What Now?", says D.H.

2011-02-25T15:35:00.001-05:00

Those of you who read my blog already know that D.H. refers to my Darling Hubby. This blog has mostly been written by me, with D.H.'s input and several of his ideas for blog posts but he only gets to read it every couple of months or so because he's been so busy. Recently, I logged on to check my blog and read the latest blog posts from some of my other favorite bloggers during my lunch break and noticed on my traffic feed that someone in my own hometown had been reading my blog at 10:00am in the morning! I was a little panicked, wondering if perhaps my anonymity cover was blown! I texted D.H. and asked him if he had been reading my blog and much to my surprise he responded "Yes". WHEW! Not that it's really that big of a deal. I mean, all of our friends and family know the story anyway so why should I care. Then he tells me that my last post was a real drag after so many escalating posts about his crazy family. This last post was a quick post to just state that all was well so far, since several people had sent me emails asking. He says "people don't really want to hear that, they want to hear the latest drama!" OMG, my D.H. is turning into a Drama King.

I asked D.H. what exactly should I write about since there has been no drama (thank God) since the October wedding introductions. D.H. then informs me that his father called last weekend and expressed a desire to be at the hospital when our baby is born.

*Dead silence here for about 20 seconds*

Then D.H. says, "why don't you write a blog post about our concerns as to whether or not PAFIL should be at the hospital?". So I said, "since you want to know what readers think, why don't you write the blog post?" He agreed but then relented that by the time he got around to writing the baby would already be here anyway and urged me to just write it.

My thoughts on the matter are:
1) Awkwardness. Especially since our families have never met and I'm sure there will be drama since my family thinks very poorly of his family.
2) I barely even know PAFIL, awkwardness having a baby with him entering the room to give me condolences while I'm trying to push his grandchild out into the world.
3) Does this mean he will bring PIMIL? Oh God!

There was another 20 seconds or so of silence and then D.H. says, "Perhaps everything will just happen so quickly that I will have to call PAFIL once the baby is born, since there will be no time during delivery, right? He can come visit once we bring her home. What do you think?"

I think, AWKWARDNESS!!!

I almost liked it all better when I didn't have to think about how weird it would be to let them into our lives because they hated us and never wanted to admit even being related to us in the first place. Part of me secretly wants to go back there. I'm also slightly resentful that they didn't give "A" (our 4.5 yr old daughter) the rights that they are suddenly planning to give "A-2" (the baby we are about to have any day now). I will never forget the heartbreak I saw all over D.H.'s face when we were at the hospital right after having "A" to proudly tell them about the beautiful daughter he now had and how they could care less...

We are all fine and BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!

2011-02-09T12:53:00.000-05:00

Hi all! Thanks for the emails from those checking on us to see if we are ok. We are all fine and doing well. We have about another month before our baby girl is born and we've been busy like a colony of ants getting everything prepared. Over Christmas break we took off almost two weeks to paint the baby's nursery and set up the furniture. We've had two baby showers and received so many cute little girl items. It is also exciting because our dear friends E. and S. are also expecting a baby boy a few weeks after our baby girl arrives! We are having a great time being pregnant together. Our husbands are both graduating in May and we are all excited to see where life takes us. The job market looks pretty sad right now so I'm accepting the fact that we will probably have to move away in order for him to find a job (but not until after the baby is born!). My family will be heartbroken.

We've decided on a beautiful "A" Hindu name with an English middle name. Actually, this is the name I've wanted all along and finally won over my husband and daughter who wanted to name our baby girl "Aishwarya", which I think is a beautiful name but a mouthful to pronounce here in the States. We are anxious to see what she looks like and will hopefully be able to keep you all posted once I get back on my feet, so stay tuned....

Actually, there are a couple of posts my darling hubby has requested to write so maybe while I'm recovering he can do that.

I do have much to write about so I will try to do this before baby A's big arrival day. Not much to post about the in-laws as we rarely ever hear from them and we're not expecting much else from them once baby A arrives either. Well, if we're lucky that is....HAHA!

We're also new car shopping which is an absolute NIGHTMARE! Minivan or AWD SUV? I like the idea of room in the minivan and my husband is afraid we will never reach home during the treacherous winters here (he's probably right about that). Prices are RIDICULOUS right now and car salesmen give me migraines really.

Till next time!

We Survived.

2010-11-10T15:10:00.009-05:00

We actually lived through meeting my husbands family for the first time last week at my husband's cousins wedding. Yes, that's right, we survived it. Yes, we had our doubts. In the end, I'm still glad we went.

On the day we flew out, we experienced VERY HEAVY DELAYS due to inclement weather. Now, for those of you who have flown with a 4 year old (or any small child for that matter), you know that being delayed in an airport for 13 hours is pure HELL! Our connection was in Atlanta, which is a HUGE airport and there were so many people with delayed flights that there were no seats available and you could hardly even walk without constantly bumping into someone. We were stressed, tired and hungry. Our daughter had an upset stomach from the stress, all over her clothing. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to pack extra clothing for her in the carry-on as well as wet wipes! Poor thing. We were so exhausted that my daughter and I used our carry-ons as pillows and laid down on the airport floor to sleep. One older gentleman told my husband that he had never seen a pregnant lady sleeping in the floor with her child in an airport in all his years of flying. He even offered me his seat, what a sweet man. I was so exhausted I couldn't even sit up in a chair and preferred the floor!

We finally reached our destination 14 hours later than we were originally supposed to. The airline (I won't say which one) lost our check-in luggage and we were without our things for another 15 hours. Therefore, we missed the grah shanti and mehendi that day as a result. It was probably best that things worked out that way since the grah shanti was in the family home and would have been even more awkward being in such close quarters with PIMIL for the first meeting. We slept most of the day and then traveled into a big desi shopping area of the city. We had masala dosa (my FAVORITE!), pav bhaji, and gulab jamun, purchased saree's, anarkali's, sherwani's and jewelry while we were there! It was a nice way to unwind from the traumatic trip there.

The wedding ceremony was at 9am the next morning. We purposely arrived a little late so that everyone could get calmed and settled before we came in. Our daughter was so excited and my FIL kept calling asking when we were coming. He met us at the door of the beautiful, HUGE white mandir (temple). The first thing he did was hug me and kiss me on the cheek and then take A. from my arms and hug and kiss her as well. The two of them were inseparable the entire weekend. He told me outside the mandir doors, with tears in his eyes, how thankful he was that I had decided to come and how proud he was of me, that I looked beautiful in my anarkali dress, 22k gold, mangalsutra and bindi. PIMIL's older brother also met us at the door and he was such a kind, sweet uncle. They then ushered us inside the mandir where we were swarmed by all my husband's aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends. Well, all except for PIMIL and my husbands sister. Yes, they were not so anxious to meet us. We were both actually surprised by his sisters reaction, she has been mostly supportive (at least over the phone) and now face to face was standing by Mommy Dearest. Interesting....

Then, my FIL (notice I've decided to no longer call him PAFIL at this point, he's been upgraded ;-) put his arms around PIMIL (notice this acronym hasn't changed ;-) and ushered her over to us. She stood there with a stern, sour look on her face and just looked at me. I really don't know what came over me (maybe pregnancy?) but I leaned down, since I'm about 12 inches taller than her, and actually hugged her. Yeah, I really don't know why I did that. She just stood there stiff as a board. All of PIMIL's brothers and sisters were coming up to me and telling me how happy they were to see me there and not to worry about PIMIL. Several of them seemed so concerned that I would think they were all nuts like her. One of his uncles said "We are not like that, OK. We don't care what color you are, we are accepting. We don't know what her problem is, she's just crazy." See, there you go, I'm not the only person who thinks she's crazy! They doted over our beautiful daughter and expressed their sadness that they had not known about her until now. Two of my husbands uncles were so upset they had tears running down their cheeks. I heard them tell my husband (in English-I think so I could hear the conversation) that he had always been their favorite nephew and that they were so hurt that he didn't feel comfortable telling them about what his mother was doing. My husband reiterated that she had forbidden any family to know about his wife or his daughter. They told him that they are also his family, never to forget that and that any problems he is having in the future they want him to feel comfortable sharing it with them, that they could have helped with this situation years ago. At the reception, my husband stood next to his mother and tried to hold her hand but she jerked it away. She also never spoke to him the whole time.

Before I go any further here, I would just like to tell you, all my readers, that you cannot know how much it meant to me to see that this wonderful boy that I fell in love with so many years ago, this absolutely wonderful husband of mine does actually come from a nice family. Unfortunately, the closest family members that I will ever be dealing with are his father, who does tend to be passive-aggressive and lets PIMIL wear the pants and control everything, but is a very nice, loving man. Then PIMIL, who is just completely looney-tunes. And there is my sister-in-law, who seems to be very much like her mother. She actually called the bride days before the wedding complaining that she didn't think it was right for them to invite us to the wedding without FIL and PIMIL's permission. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree there....

After the wedding we were treated to the most wonderful lunch at the temple. Then, we were invited by my husbands uncle to come back to their house for the evening with the rest of the family for pizza and snacks. Before arriving my husband says to me "Uncle and Auntie have a pretty big house, so stay close or you might get lost". I just thought he was joking until we pulled onto the property and I started laughing. I said "Is this a joke?" I lost count once inside but it was like a 20 bedroom mansion! This was no "house"! At that point I felt a little out of place but they quickly put me at ease once inside because they were very dear, sweet people. The other aunts and uncles also took PIMIL aside in the conference room of the home and talked to her about her behavior and how she had handled the situation poorly. Not sure it really helped, she never spoke to me the entire weekend and sat at every function with her arms crossed and a pout on her face like a 2 year old.

Once we were leaving the mansion everyone came to the door to see us off and our daughter ran up to my FIL and gave him a great big hug. Then she turns to my husband and says, "Daddy, where is your Mommy?". My husband points to her in the crowd and A. takes off running up to her and gives her a HUGE hug around her neck. That was pretty much the only time I ever saw a smile on PIMIL's face. And that's when things started to change towards our daughter. The next day at the reception PIMIL was getting A. mango lassi and pani puri and being very sweet to her. I must say I was happy to see that, even though I am still very cautious.

Aunts and Uncles were very upset to find out that we were staying in a hotel instead of with other family members so the last night of the trip we stayed at my husband's Aunt and Uncle's home. This is so unlike American families (at least mine). Staying in a hotel while attending a wedding is normal, but in the Indian culture it is offensive. I worried about it, but I'm so glad we stayed with them that last night. His Aunt fed us like we were kings, took care of us, and then sent us off to the airport with more nuts, dried fruits and snacks than I could possibly pack into my Vera Bradley. I really loved his family. When we left his uncle cried when hugging my husband. I actually saw a tear on my husbands cheek, too. I think they just felt so bad for him with what we had been through and hadn't seen him in about 6 years. We promised we would visit again soon.

The aunt's and uncle's gave us a large sum of monetary gifts, a very large Toys-R-Us gift card for A. as well as a beautiful necklace with her initial on it, 6 Indian dresses, and enough love to last us a lifetime.

The flight back home was all on schedule and much more enjoyable. My husband thanked me for being brave and deciding to go to the wedding. He told me he knew how much it took out of me to make the trip being pregnant and how stressful it was to meet everyone all at one time. He told me how much it meant to him that I was willing to give the rest of the family a chance after everything that has happened with his mother. I appreciated that. I knew that I had to give it a chance and since they extended the invitation, what would it hurt to accept, right? The love we received from his extended family helped mend the pain from years of abuse from PIMIL.

Oh....and the bride truly was the epitome of an Indian Princess Bride. I would also like to point out that the mother of the bride (PIMIL's sister) was also sitting very stern faced during the wedding ceremony. I later found out this was because the bride had a love marriage...yes, evidence of desi parental failure, HAHAHA! And not only that....the groom was South Indian! Oh no! What could be worse?.....CAUCASIAN maybe!!! I just had to add that in there didn't I? Yes folks, that's right, love marriage to a meat-eating South Indian. Who cares what you eat or how dark or light your skin is? Come on people, we have wars, disease, famine in this world...real issues. Will some Indians ever get past prejudices? Just for the record, I think my Gujarati husband is very handsome. Yes, he is light skinned (still darker than me of course), that never mattered to me. Ever. And also, for the record, I thought the groom and his meat-eating South Indian family and friends were very, very beautiful people. More so than my husbands family, even though I thought my husbands family were very nice. It's just funny to me because the Northern people think that they are more beautiful because they are "lighter skinned" than the Southern people. Honestly, in most instances I didn't really see where they were that much lighter at all but maybe I just don't have a clue. I know I'm going to get lots of backlash on that one but you know, some things just really need to be said. SOUTH INDIANS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! Don't let anyone make you think any different.

That's all I have to say about that....at this time ;-)

A "Pinkalicious" Birthday Party!

2010-10-19T17:10:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago we celebrated A.'s 4th birthday. She really, really wanted a "Pinkalicious" birthday party, based on her favorite book.

A. is definitely a "pink" girl, for sure. This little book is so cute, about a little girl who turns pink after eating too many pink cupcakes her Mommy made. Her mother then takes her to the Doctor who recommends eating only green foods to turn back to normal.

We sent out "Pinkalicious" invitations, hired a lady who specializes in children's birthday parties and all we had to do was bring the decorations and food. The kids had a blast! This lady had blow-up bouncy toys for the kids to play on, a bubble machine, played pin-the-cherry-on-the-cupcake with them, and played children's music and games with them. I purchased tiaras and wands for the girls and toy cars and hats for the boys. We had 30 pink and 30 green cupcakes made, had pink and green JellyBelly jelly beans, pink lemonade and lots of other snacks and treats.

All A. wanted was this birthday party, she didn't even care about presents. We just made one little girls birthday very special. I'm not sure I can top this one next year, with the baby coming and all... She says she's just fine with a simple party next year. I just love her!

OH NOOOOOOOW PIMIL wants to meet us...

2010-10-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

PIMIL has just found out we (as in not just her son) will be attending the wedding. Panic has set in. Yesterday she calls her niece who is getting married and wants to know did she invite ALL of us? The bride-to-be tells her yes, what's the problem? PIMIL then proceeds to tell her the whole sob story (her version of course) and what we've done to her by ruining her life by getting married having a baby, blah blah blah. The bride-to-be then asks her how long ago all this occurred? (of course, she already knows the whole story she just wanted to make a point)

And here's the gist of what transpired (according to my husband):
PIMIL: Three years ago.
BRIDE-TO-BE: No Masi, FIVE YEARS AGO! It's time for you to get over it!
PIMIL: Can you call my son and tell him to call me so I can meet them before your wedding?
BRIDE-TO-BE: Ummmm, no you should probably do that yourself.

Well, bride-to-be called my darling hubby this morning anyway and told him. Then he called me. And here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Uh huh. Well that certainly is interesting. I told you there would be PIMIL drama right b/f this wedding. So, do we have to go meet her now? And what will she say to us after all these years?
D.H.: (Darling Hubby): She just wants to try to control the situation.
Me: How so?
D.H.: She doesn't want to look like a jerk to the rest of her family, so she wants to last-minute meet you and A. (our daughter) so she can be all chummy chummy at the wedding and no one will think anything is wrong.
Me: Oh, I see. To save face. Well, what do you think we should do?
D.H.: (his voice raises to the point I can hardly understand him on the phone) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE$% NO WE AREN'T GOING TO MEET HER BEFORE THE WEDDING! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I'VE BEGGED HER TO MEET MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER AND SHE REFUSED, ONLY CARING ABOUT HERSELF! AND TODAY, SHE IS ONLY CARING ABOUT HERSELF BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A JERK IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY WHEN THEY SEE YOU MEETING FOR THE FIRST TIME! SHE MADE HER BED SHE CAN LIE IN IT! DIDN'T I TELL YOU SHE WOULD BURY HERSELF ALL BY HERSELF! IT'S TIME FOR MOM TO FACE THE FIRE!
Me: Ok honey, whatever you think is best.
D.H.: I've gotta go, I've gotta call dad.
Me: Ok, but first.....does she know that we're having another baby?
D.H.: I don't know.

Now, I don't know about you but my husband usually is a really calm guy who doesn't get wound-up about much but after that conversation, I'm beginning to think he is letting out a little (well, a lot) of bitterness towards his mother from years of abuse, estrangement and mind games.

Man, I really hope this wedding brings the family some peace but I'm starting to wonder if my husband is going to continue to punish her for what she's done or if he'll let himself heal and let it go.

Indian Etiquette

2010-10-13T14:30:00.000-04:00

As an American, I am always concerned about proper etiquette when attending formal events. I have attended many formal events and dinners throughout my life and I am completely comfortable with proper American etiquette.

Then, it dawned on me this morning that I know very little about Indian etiquette. I mean, I haven't really had to know much about Indian ettiquette since my husband is American born and, well, we've not attended any formal Indian events together. The only Indian wedding I've attended was at our friends E. and S.'s beach wedding which was (thankfully) more casual. Since we will be attending my husband's cousins wedding in 2.5 weeks, I decided I'd better do some homework, and FAST! I mean, the last thing I want to add to this complex family dynamic is more aunties rolling their eyes complaining about the white, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, 5'8" (tall for Indian standards), pregnant girl who already stands out like a sore thumb fumbling their culture all up. Let's just say... I don't want to offend anyone if I can at all help it.

I asked my husband and he was of little help. He says "Don't call aunties or uncles by their first names." Duh....I already knew that. That is just plain old common sense. So I said "Yes dear, I know. So how shall I address them?" to which he replies "Hmmmmm, that is a good question. I don't know, since you're American I don't know what they will expect you to call them."

Ok.....

So I decided to snoop the net and found this website, A to Z of Manners and Etiquette. Lots of interesting tid-bits that I didn't know here.

1) I did already know not to eat with your left hand since it is considered unclean. I will not elaborate here as to why, so do your own homework if you don't already know.

2) Eating with the fingers....let's just say I am not very good at this and as an American it is like asking me to walk backwards sucessfully. If everyone else is eating with their fingers then it is advisable that I do the same. I really hope they have silverware there... I am fine with roti and dry shaak (vegetable) but anything saucey, well, could get very messy here.

3) If family members invite us over for a meal, it is good manners to arrive 15 to 30 minutes late. (?????) My husband should be just fine with that, he is ALWAYS running on Indian Standard Time (which means he is late for everything).

4) It is not good manners to so "thank you" for the meal. That is one that I am going to have to try and remember. It is burned into my American brain to thank hostesses for meals else my parents would have grounded me for a week as a child. Again, like walking backwards.

5) Don't "point" your feet at anyone, it's bad manners. I don't even know what pointing one's feet means. How does one do that? I completely understand not wearing shoes into homes as we also do not wear our shoes into our home and I grew up always taking my shoes off at the door. But feet pointing? Again, I asked my darling hubby and he didn't have a clue really.

6) Belching. I love this one *chuckle*. The little bit of information my darling husband did give me is that it is considered good manners to belch out loud, showing that the meal was good. Oh dear. I'm sorry, I cannot bend on that one. No belching for this Milky Chai girl ;-) I hope he was just pulling my leg on that one...

Wish me luck!

The cat's out of the bag and the bread is in the oven!

2010-09-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted here but things have been busy and I've been sick. VEEEERRRRYYYY sick.

So, let's start with the first phrase in my title "the cat's out of the bag", which is a phrase that is very common where I grew up and dates back to medieval European marketplaces. It means to reveal something that people were trying to avoid talking about, or were trying to hide. So, about a month ago one of my husbands older cousins who just had her third baby decided she was fed up with this crazy nonsense and decided to tell her parents (Pimil's sister and BIL) about the marriage, daughter-in-law and granddaughter that Pimil and Pafil have been keeping a secret from the family. She was worried that my husband and I would have a stroke over it so she sent me a friend request on Facebook, then sent me this incredibly sweet email welcoming me to the family and apologizing for any trouble she has caused for telling her parents about us. (See, there are some good people left in the world!)

I kindly thanked her and let her know there was no trouble caused and in fact a burden had actually been lifted from our shoulders. None of the crazy stuff my husband thought would happen has happened, like hundreds of family members randomely showing up at our home unannounced to meet us or anything like that. No, everyone has been digesting the information, shocked that Pimil had reacted the way she did. Afterall, she "was the youngest and most modern of the family".

Although, I think his cousin felt an even stronger sense of responsibility to tell because we informed them that the bread is in the oven. That is another phrase that my dad has always used to say that someone is pregnant. I have no idea how old this phrase is or it's origins but I can tell you that my dad is an old-fashioned guy and he would never utter the word "pregnant" in his entire life. Don't ask me why this is, maybe he was too embarassed to say it or something. So there you go, WE ARE PREGNANT!!!

Our daughter is so happy but soooooo very impatient with this baby right now, she wants this baby ready to come out today. Although, I'm just now entering the 2nd trimester, so we have a ways to go yet. She has made it quite clear that she only wants a baby sister and that her name should be Aishwarya Rai (and our last name here). I do understand her love of Aishwarya but I'm trying to explain to her that Mommy and Daddy have some other Hindu names in mind. We'll see how this goes with our little 3 foot tall controller.

This is the reason for the long pause in blog updates. I have been so very sick with this baby. Despite being sick all the time, I have still managed to put on 13 lbs in 12 weeks. YIKES! Well, I was thin to start with so I'm hoping the weight is just coming on faster in the beginning but will slow down soon. Or, hopefully I will lose it quickly afterwards. So far, everything is going great with the exception of the endless tests my doctor is putting me through since they consider this pregnancy "high risk" because I have a serious medical condition, which I think I will save for a later blog post.

I asked hubby-dear to not tell his parents until after this baby is born. He called his dad the next day and told him (of course), but asked him not to tell his mother so that we don't have to deal with her crazy drama. I know Mommy Dearest (I can't decide whether I like this one or the Pimil acronym better) will eventually find out but she doesn't at all need to know so why tell her? After all, this family is SUPERIOR at keeping secrets so I don't anticipate she'll find out anytime soon.

To complicate matters further, one of my husbands female cousins is getting married the end of October in the States and they've made it very clear that they expect us all 3 (and a half) of us to be there, they don't care what Pimil's reaction or problem with it is. My husband says he's not taking us into the lion's den and his cousins say no they will protect us from 4'10" Pimil. I don't know, I'm sure he'll wait until the very last minute to let me know whether we're going or not. I can't imagine they would really want us there with the high probability that unstable Pimil will completely ruin their wedding with her drama. Well, who knows, they've ignored us for 5 years now maybe she could ignore us long enough for a 3 day wedding? Will definitely keep you posted ;-)

I'm defeated... to Mac-N-Cheese

2010-07-20T18:55:00.000-04:00

I have been cooking Indian food at home everyweek for years, along with other national vegetarian foods, but Indian food has particularly been a favorite. Recently, my 3.5 year old who used to gobble up the Indian food is now on strike. SHE WILL NOT EAT IT! NOW WHAT??? My husband and I love it and she will not eat it unless it is jalebi or gulab jamun, which does not count as a nutritious meal. Therefore, if we want Indian food at home I have to make two meals, one for us one for the striker.

What will she eat you ask? Mac-n-cheese. Cheese sandwich. Cheese quesadilla. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese. That's pretty much it.

I sure hope she grows out of this soon so that I no longer have to make double meals. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, can you tell?

"Justice for Sparkle"

2010-07-09T12:51:00.000-04:00

I've been debating for a couple of months now about whether I should even post this or not. Part of me understands that people often do not want to read blog posts about negative, sad, or scary subjects. I also realize that the nature of the article I am posting about is less common in the West (U.S., Canada, UK) but the fact that it does still happen here is concerning enough in itself.

I really don't watch much television at all. In fact, I watch the local and national news and that's pretty much it. For some strange reason one night I couldn't get sleepy so I started scanning the channels and landed on a Dateline MSNBC documentary called "Justice for Sparkle, Could a vivacious young woman have been killed by her in-laws?", you can find it here http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29020846/ns/dateline_nbc-crime_reports/

If you ever read my blog, then you know this headline naturally caught my attention. The gist of the story is about this adorable, young African-American girl in GA (Sparkle) who meets a desi boy (Ricky Rai), falls in love, gets pregnant, then shortly after gets married and winds up being murdered at home by a thug in front of her infant daughter for the price of $10,000. Who was the purchaser of Sparkle's death? Ricky Rai's, father, Chiman Rai. I sat straight up in bed and never left the television until the program was over. I was enraged, insensed, horrified, terrified and nauseous. How could someone take a young mother's life, in front of her child, all to save face? Shocking? Not so much in India where these types of killings are far less shocking than here in the west. Does this qualify as an "honor killing"? No wonder desi kids are terrified to have a love marriage! Geez.

Here is another article of forbidden love/desi/murder drama: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14606778/ about a desi girl who secretly marries a desi boy because her parents do not approve and ends up being murdered while visiting India. Who was the the purchaser of Jassi's murder? Her own family.

So, maybe my PIMIL and PAFIL are not worlds worst as I'd originally thought? Still yet, I go about my day for five years now always looking over my shoulder.

May God/Bhawan/Allah always keep Sparkle's daughter Analla safe from harm.

PAFIL or no PAFIL - That is the question (reader input please)

2010-06-22T19:42:00.000-04:00

It's not that I can't make my own decisions here, but I've learned that when we deal with complicated, unfamiliar issues it is often advantageous to receive input from others to form a well rounded decision. That being said, last week I experienced that feeling of my heart falling out of my chest for the first time as a parent. It wasn't a very comfortable feeling.

My day started off with my husband and daughter dropping me off at work. My husband usually drops our daughter off at preschool after dropping me off. There was nothing out of the ordinary for this morning, I had dressed A. to go to preschool and there were no diversions to the daily routine that I was aware of. Usually, my husband and I are in the same building on campus because I work in the department his is a student at (I met him long before he was in this department, I just lucked out in finding employment in the same dept. he studies in). We usually have a checking system in place where he calls me every morning after dropping her off, so we don't make the mistake of ever leaving her in the car.

Well, that morning I immediately dived into my mounds of financial paperwork and did not notice that he had not called. Then, I headed off to a meeting at 11am. As I was leaving I called my husband and left him a voice message letting him know that I was off to a meeting and would not return until 1pm, in case he was looking for me. When I returned to my desk at 1pm I had a voice message on my phone from my husband who sounded very tense and stressed telling me that he wanted to warn me, that his father (whom I refer to as PAFIL-passive aggressive father in law) was in town and wanted to see "us", which really means my husband and my daughter. He then said he wasn't sure if he should pick our daughter up from preschool (because we don't want them to know where she is, due to threats...). So, I called him. No answer, so I left him a message. Then, 20 min's later I texted him. No answer. Then, I called preschool who informed me that my daughter had not shown up for preschool that day and that my husband had called them first thing in the morning and told them she would be there around noon. Then, my heart fell out of my chest.

I did pretty much panic. The stories didn't match and I just wanted to know WHERE MY DAUGHTER WAS!!! About 2 hours later my husband calls, informing me that he had taken our daughter out to lunch with his father. Uh huh, he totally left me out of the equation because he knew I would object, so he just let me panic for 2.5 hours. To say the least, I was VERY upset!

While I am very happy that at least his father is interested in having a relationship with our daughter, I am at this time NOT interested in him having a relationship with his "secret granddaughter". That's right, he also has not informed his family that he has a granddaughter, or daughter-in-law for that matter. I think he should not be allowed be a part of her life until he fixes that little problem. My husband somewhat agrees with me on the issue but has lacked the strength to explain this to his father.

Therefore, I sent his father a letter this weekend telling him that I was very happy that he wanted to be a part of A.'s life and that she was still talking about his visit, but that I was uncomfortable with him establishing a relationship with our daughter while keeping her a secret. I offered him the opportunity to correct the problem before being able to see her again. I explained to him that I expect him to be a responsible parent/grandparent if he is to be a presence in A.'s life and that it would only hurt her in the long run if he continues to keep her a secret. Personally, I think it is despicable that she is almost 4 yrs old now and they won't even admit that she exists. Why should I allow him access to her under those circumstances? Do you agree/disagree? My husband does not yet know I sent the letter, although, I don't think he will be surprised. I'm disappointed that he did not address the issue to his father himself, but it is enough of an issue to me to make sure I at least address it.

The Wedding Was So Amazing!!!

2010-06-18T22:15:00.000-04:00

I know I have neglected my blog for a little while and a few of you have wondered how our experience at our first Indian wedding went. Simply put, it WAS AMAZING!!! We had the time of our lives! The wedding took place on the beach which was the most beautiful setting possible and we were hosted in this enormous, modern beach house all weekend with other friends and family. We were fed for three days straight. We had a private room with our own bathroom and balcony and at night we slept with the balcony door open so we could hear the ocean.

I think I was actually nervous about meeting the groom’s family since in my own experience I have not been treated very well by Indian parents. I am so happy to report to you here today that my expectation was wrong. S.’s parents were incredibly cool, modern, loving, wise, and they genuinely love their sons and their new daughter in law, my friend E.

The first night was the mehendi and my daughter and I had both our hands decorated in a beautiful design. I had a peacock with my husband’s name on my right hand and an OM on my left hand. My daughter was very patient and excited to have hers done. I was so impressed that the mehendi artist was a white American girl who happened to be married to an Indian guy (groom’s friend) and they have three beautiful children. There was a lot of food, drinks, and lots of merry making by friends and family. I really enjoyed getting to know S.’s family and friends that night.

The next day was S.’s becoming a man pooja which was very interesting. We listened to lots of chanting and watched interesting ceremony rituals like bathing S. with oil, turmeric and rice. S.’s parents and dadi shed tears during the pooja and I felt so happy for S. that he has parents who love him so much. The women made amazing Indian food and after eating we retreated back to our rooms and rested for a short while before getting ready for the wedding.

I brought a saree for me, a lehenga for my daughter and a sherwani for my husband. S.’s dadi (grandmother) helped me tie my saree (thank goodness….I had forgotten to bring safety pins!). Then I went to check on the bride who was almost ready and my favorite part of the whole wedding was seeing her in her bridal lehenga. S.’s family had a stunning red lehenga made for E. in India that was very expensive and completely covered in threads, jewels, and sequins. She just glittered all over out in the coastal sun. It didn’t hurt that she is about 5’9” with a Giselle (Victoria’s Secret model) figure and facial features. We didn’t realize everyone was already seated under the tent in the heat so things got a little hairy and rushed right before getting the bride out to the mandap. Our daughter was a flower girl and she took her job very seriously, joyously completing her task. The ceremony was beautiful and I took over a thousand photos (wow!) We took a few photos by the ocean and then S. bribed me to return his wedding shoes (part of Indian wedding tradition). I got $100 for those shoes! Of course, I gave it right back to the couple.

We then retreated back to the beach house for a fun reception and after eating we sat down next to S.’s dadi and younger brother who were having a conversation about her wishes for him to not pursue his dreams of being a musician and (he is incredibly talented by the way). S.’s dadi then tells me about how we should always be happy and want the best for others and never be rude to those that abuse us but basically to turn the other cheek and keep close those that love and support us in our lives. She told us that she hopes someday his parents change and then she pulled our daughter up on her lap and said “A., I am your dadi and you are my granddaughter. Remember that dadi always loves you”. I know that tears welled up in my eyes at her gracious kindness for our little daughter and that her heart went out to us for the years of abuse and mistreatment from my husband’s family. I felt as if I could love myself again because someone worthy of my deep respect had in turn, loved us. At that moment I knew that my dear friend E. was going to be just fine in the hands of this family. S.’s dadi then told me (with tears in her eyes) how proud she was of E. for choosing to have an Indian wedding and to wear an Indian dress. She said it meant so much to her that her grandson’s wedding was Indian.

The next day before leaving to head home we all went down to the ocean and everyone (except me) went into the water. S.’s dadi even hiked up her saree and jumped into the cold water!!! She was so cute. Then, S. lost his new platinum wedding band in the ocean! No, E. did not kill him, she handled it very well which I’m sure reaffirmed for S. that he had made an excellent choice in a wife ;-)

Today, I am thankful for the love, support and friendship we receive from our friends E. and S. and their wedding forever left a mark on my heart. At this wedding I danced with S.'s mother, received blessings from touching his dadi's feet, and saw my dear friend E. become an Indian princess for a couple of days. Again, it was AMAZING!

Kadi Patta

2010-03-12T08:50:00.000-05:00

Translation: Curry Leaf.

I purchased one these awesomely aromatic plants at our local Indian store as a tiny sapling. Now, it has blossomed into a 2 foot tall tree in my kitchen! I use kadi patta every single week cooking at home and despite plucking leaves off, it continues to grow faster than I can use it! Does anyone else have one of these wonderful plants? If so, how do I care for it and how do I propagate it? At this point, all I do is water it once a week.

Hair oil, have you tried it?

2010-03-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

I have received hair treatments in a salon years ago when I thought it was cool to ruin my hair with highlights thus needing moisture put back into my hair. These salon treatments consisted of putting a conditioner-like goop on my hair and sitting under a hair dryer for 20 minutes or so. Afterwards, this goop was then shampooed out of my hair and I left with beautifuly conditioned hair. It cost me somewhere around $25 at that time.

After I met my husband, he suggested I put oil in my hair. I was curious as to what he was talking about because in the west we don't put oil in our hair, we put conditioner in our hair. He informed me that my hair was too dry and that I should definitely put the oil in my hair. So, I went out to our local Asian market and purchased some coconut oil to put in my hair. I put in all over my hair, avoiding the roots. I let it sit on my hair for a few hours and then washed it out and the result was beautiful, shiny hair! I've tried to keep up the routine over the years of oiling my hair about once a week but I have to admit it is really difficult with our busy schedule for these treatments. I have, however, kept up with oiling our daughter's hair once a week and she has a gorgeous mane.

I guess I've been looking a little dry because my husband suggested last week that I oil my hair again, so I did. Only this time I rubbed the oil into my scalp because I thought it would help reduce the dry itchiness from the extreme winter temperatures we've been experiencing lately. While the rest of my hair looked lovely, the roots of my hair were greasy and unwashed looking for 3 days with my normal shampoo! I finally used a clarifying shampoo on my hair to get it off the roots. Maybe white girls should not put oil on their scalps??? LOL!!! Perhaps my blogging friends out there have some suggestions for me.

We're going to our first Hindu wedding!

2010-02-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited!!! This will be our first experience at a Hindu wedding, for myself and our daughter that is. Of course, my husband has been to many of them. My dear friend E. (white American girl) is marrying S., an American born Indian boy. Their relationship amazes me. You can spend one minute with them and know they are soul mates, completely perfect for one another. E. is one of the most beautiful girls I know (inside and out). S. is getting a real gem.

They have also asked our 3 year old daughter to be their flower girl! She is so excited. She keeps asking me if she "will she get to wear a saree". Their wedding will take place on the beach. Since we live in an area where there aren't a great deal of other Indians, there is absolutely no Indian shopping here. Looks like we will be shopping for wedding attire online. I have a beautiful blue and pink saree that my husband gave to me, but we will need to order a sherwani with similar colors for my husband. Any suggestions? We may also need to order a lengha or saree for our daughter since she is rapidly growing out of all her dresses and the wedding is only 3 months away. This will also be my first experience with mehndi as well! Eagerly counting down the days...